Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
