My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
