Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
