You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
