My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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