So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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