Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This girl is more easily done than said...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
