I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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