i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
