My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
