I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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