we have pet lesbian snakes
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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