so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
