I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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