im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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