Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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