I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
