I didn't shave. On purpose
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
