im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
