When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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