apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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