Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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