Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
