How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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