Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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