I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
