Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
