I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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