That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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