mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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