a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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