When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
