woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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