Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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