You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
