the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
