chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Farmville is her only friend.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
