Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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