I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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