She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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