if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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