If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
