I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
