there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
