You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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