drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
