I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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