i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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