I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
