I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
