my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
