eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
