come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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