So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
