I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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