The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
