Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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